


Talking To Myself

by MissScorp



Category: Deadpool (Comics)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Humor, Seriously this is just Deadpool insanity at its finest, dialogue only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28685745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissScorp/pseuds/MissScorp
Summary: Deadpool talks with himself about fan fiction, vampire cows, spideypool, casting choices, Ryan Reynolds perfectly sculpted abs, and more!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

"But _Scorp_ is our writer! She can totally write everything that I tell her to write and just make it sound superific!"

... **dude, you are not helping your case by basically saying that you want our writer to not only write whatever crap you decide to spew at her but make it sound terrific at the same time**.

"I do not spew crap!"

... **have you read the two chapters that our lovely writer has written for her Conversation with the Fourth Wall mini-story**?

"Yes, and they were awesome!"

... **they were totally written from the crap that you spewed at her to write**...

"That is...wait, really? She actually wrote everything that I told her to write?"

 **Yup, she wrote two pages out of the utter crap that was spewed by yours truly**. **And because it was you who told her what crap to write, the story has only gotten like three reviews, five favorites, and two alerts.**

"You are such an asshole."

 **Truth hurts to hear, huh**?

"What do you know about telling the truth?"

... **more than you, that's for goddamn sure**.

"Dude, I'm telling you that Scorp can totally make the Deadpool categories on FFN as stupendously awesome as I am if she'll but write my idea for a Deadpool story!"

 **One, who says that you're stupendously awesome**?

"I do!"

... **you got anybody else who says that? I'm not inclined to take the word of the guy who redefines the term twacko**.

"Fuck you."

**Whoa, hitting the heavy words there, ain't ya?**

"...like I'm hurting your feelings here you asshole."

**So, your plan to make the Deadpool fandom a more widely read category...**

"...you mean my stupendously awesome plan to make the Deadpool fandom a more widely read category on FFN by writing the absolute best Deadpool story ever?"

**...yes, that particularly delusional plan that you've concocted. How's it supposed ta go?**

"Well, first, we'll have our gloriously talented, supremely creative, underappreciated..."

**Scorp says ta stop blowing smoke up her ass and get to your story prompt...**

" _Writer_ write us a compelling story that features yours truly doing what it is that he does best."

... **besides blowin' shit up and pissing off everybody you come into contact with, what exactly is it that you do best**?

"Many things!"

... **like**?

"Well in my spare time I am also Deadpool: the Vampire Cow Hunter. Oh, and I'm known as the Gargantilla de pollo in Mexico and Spain. And of course, I'm the Merc with the Mouth, the Regenerative Degenerate, The Taco Man Cometh and the Baddest Mercenary on this Planet."

... **dude, seriously**?

"What?"

**Vampire cows? What the hell is wrong with you? Not that I don't already know the answer, mind you. I just want to hear this answer straight from the Merc's mouth.**

"...have you ever had a cow-like stare at you? It is freakishly chilling man!"

 **This coming from the mask-wearing freak who babbles insanely to himself while eating chimichangas naked in a bean bag chair**.

"Rig-hey!"

 **Wha**?

"Do you want to hear my idea about how I think that Scorp can revolutionize the Deadpool fandom on FFN or not?"

... **sure. I got two minutes before my microwave popcorn is finished popcorn**...

"...yanno what? You can go fuck yourself."

 **Wha? What I say**?

"You know what you said you ass-clown."

 **Not my fault you cannot handle the truth**...

"The truth is that I am awesome, but nobody on this fucking website knows just how awesome I am because of all the bullshit stories that have been written about me!"

... **did you just slam your own fandom**?

"Dude, Spideypool?!"

...you are shittin' me…

"Nope!"

... **we talking fluff fluff, let's go to the park bromance or...?**

"Full-on spandex off, web bumping and spoonin' kinda bromance."

**...Uhm...would you ever... yanno, consider it?**

"No! I would never bump uglies with Webby!"

**Well, what if he looked like Ryan...**

"Do. Not. Mention. Ryan. Reynolds."

**...so we're still jealous of Ryan I see...**

"I am so not jealous of Ryan Reynolds!"

**...are so...**

"Am not!"

**Just admit it! You'll feel better if you are just completely, one hundred percent honest with yourself about wanting to lick chocolate off Ryan Reynold's perfectly sculpted abs!**

"You remember that doorknobs do not kill people… that I kill people, right?"

**…I also recall that you cannot die because of your regenerative abilities. So ha.**

"When are you gonna get over your homoerotic fixation of Ryan Reynolds?"

**...totally over him actually. I just like dicking with you. It makes my day to see you get so flustered.**

"Really? And when exactly did you get over your fixation with Reynolds?"

**When Scorp introduced me to someone else a few days ago.**

"Oh? And who might that be?"

**Ewan McGregor.**

"Scorp's swooning over the guy who played Obi-Wan Kenobi in those awful Prequel moves?!"

**'...For your information, Ewan was the best part of those Prequel movies!**

"The fuck you say."

**Did you see that scene where he turned Anakin Skywalker into crispy fried Vaderkin? D'aww worthy!**

"...Jesus Christ, my inner voice has become an even bigger wimp than that web-spinning douchebag."

**Yea...like this is all my doing and not the doing of the chick typing on her iPhone right now...**

"I can't believe that I'm being tossed over for a guy carrying a stick and pretending it's a _lightsaber_. I carry katanas! And sai's! And guns! She should absolutely adore me!"

**…are you seriously upset that our writer isn't in love with you?**

"Yes—no!"

**Oh my God, you are! You are seriously jealous about her liking Ewan McGregor and not you!**

"I am not!"

**…you know why Scorp will never fall in love with you? It's 'cause you're uglier than Ewan and smell like a wet dog...**

"I know...hey! Shut up!"

**...what?**

"I am not uglier than Ewan McGregor!"

**... Guy has a smile that lights up a room. Your smile just makes everything go boom.**

"...we have so gotta talk about your homoerotic fixations on Ryan Reynolds and Ewan McGregor..."

**Hey, if you really want to get our lovely writer's attention…**

"Don't you even say it…"

**...all ya have to do is end up looking more like Ewan McGregor!**

"I am so not getting my face altered to look like Ewan McGregor! Or Ryan Reyonlds!"

**…and of course, you need to go the whole romance and roses route…**

"What. The. Fuck?"

**...you want a girl like Scorp? Ya gotta do the whole flowers, chocolates, and promises that you don't intend to keep thing.**

"Where the hell did you hear that load of bullshit from?"

**...it was in Beauty and the Beast...**

"... that is a craptastic Disney plot if ever I heard one."

**...and this plot is better?**

"Yes, yes it is."

**…I so gotta hear the logic behind that answer**

"It's what Scorp is writing. And she can type anything that she wants so long as we can discuss my fantastic story idea. Oh, and as long as she wears that pink lace bra that pushes her..."

**You are sexualizing her…** _**again** _ **.**

"Shouldn't that flatter her?"

**…not when you're drooling all over yourself.**

"I can't help it! Women are my downfall…"

**Your mouth is your downfall...**

"It is also my greatest weapon."

**I know. You've won more fights on account of your enemies committing suicide than any other superhero I know.**

"I've also had my enemies pay me off because they respect my mad fighting skills."

**...yea, respecting the skills is why they pay you off. Not because you're all sorts of crazy and have absolutely no problem in taking out everyone around you in order to take out them…**

"Touché..."

**You never told me your supposedly stupendous idea for a Deadpool fanfic...**

"That is because I have just realized something about the majority of the readers who frequent the FFN website."

**...oh? And what's that?**

"Most of these gobbley gooks would prefer to read something straight outta _Brokeback Mountain_ than something that has an actual plot and true character development."

**...wow, that whole Spideypool thing really has you upset huh big boy?**

"Would you wanna be shipped with a pasty-faced kid that can sling spider splooge from his wrists?"

**Well, there's a piece of imagery that I did not need thank you very much...**

"Seriously, would you?"

**Maybe if he looked like...**

"Say either of those names and I swear that I will stick a katana through my skull!"

**...again, the whole regenerative factor kinda kills any power that that claim may have. But hey, if ya wanna tickle your brain here, go for it.**

"Yanno what? I'm done. Scorp’s goal was to Meta about writing through breaking the Fourth Wall as creatively as she could, and I think that we’ve more than helped her do that.”

**Considering how you are the King of Breaking the Fourth Wall down? I’d say so.**

“I want tacos. And chimichangas! And to see something naked!”

**…sounds like you’re up the creek then.**

“Why do you say that?”

**…because you fear Taco Bell, sanity, and vampire cows. And you couldn’t get laid if you were being paid.**

“Fuck off.”


	2. Chapter 2

**So, I was talking with our lovely writer today...**

"Aha! I knew you were cheating on me!"

**...uh, how does that even make sense?**

"How does anything I say make sense?"

**It doesn't typically…**

"Exactly." 

**...anyway, I was talking with our lovely writer today about the sad state of**

**Deadpool fan fiction on FanFiction.net...**

"Sad state? We _rule_ fan fiction!"

**...dude, there are only 682 stories in the Deadpool comic category on** [ **FanFiction.net** ](http://fanfiction.net/) **!**

"And how many are there in the X-Men subcategory? Like ten? Twenty?"

**Uhm… more like 13,600 or so...**

"...you're shitting me, right?"

**I’m dead serious pal. There are 12,918 more stories in the X-Men subcategory than there are in the Deadpool one.**

_*crying uncontrollably*_

**There, there my violently psychotic lesser half. Just let it all out…**

"I can't believe there are only 682 stories about yours truly..."

**Well, I'm sure that you make a couple of _minor_ appearances in other Marvel-related fan-inspired works... **

"But it's not the same as being the main character inside your own story!"

 **Well, maybe if you weren't seen as an overrated and overexposed annoyance** **there would be more Deadpool stories written …**

“…I am not overexposed!”

**You’re more overexposed than Ryan Reynolds was in that spray-on suit that he wore for the Green Lantern…**

“I do not want to hear one word about Ryan Reynolds!”

**Still jealous I see…**

“I am not jealous!”

**Are so!**

“I am three times the men that Ryan Reynolds, Hugh Jackman, and Robert Downey Jr. combined are!”

… < **laughing hysterically** >

“Stop laughing you asshole!”

_**Yanno it would be so hot if we could finally get the studio to film Ryan Reynolds playing us in our movie** _ **_..._ **

"I gotta admit that it would be a lot better to look like Ryan Reynolds than Tom Cruise.”

**…when the hell did we look like Tom Cruise?!**

“You don’t remember that time that bastard Loki cursed us to look like Tom Cruise?”

**Oh, that. That was some serious bullshit man.**

“Tell me about it.”

**_..._ ** **I mean c’mon. For starters, _Tom Cruise doesn’t have the ass that Ryan does…_**

"Hey!"

**_..._ ** _**what? Guy has a set of buns that you could bounce a quarter off of** _

"...we seriously need to talk about your homoerotic fixation of Ryan Reynolds..."

_**Yea...MY fixation. Not like there’s not some chick sitting at a laptop right now typing out our thoughts or anything** _ **_..._ **

“And she can type anything that she wants so long as she keeps wearing that white sport tank.”

**You’re sexualizing our writer again…**

**…and drooling on the computer screen. Dude, seriously?**

“I can’t help it! Look at them! They’re so perfect and round. Like perky little orbs of pillowy goodness…”

**Would you like me to leave you alone for a minute?**

“You know that our writer calls herself a self-professed Batgirl, right?

A **nd we both know how you’ve always wanted to bang a DC chick...**

“Think she could get us a date with her?”

**…you want our writer to get you a date with Batgirl?**

“Or Rogue… or Death… or hell, Betty White even. I’m not picky.”

**Clearly.**

“You heard that they’ve finally cast someone to play Batman in that highly anticipated Batman/Superman movie haven’t you?”

**…I tend to not keep up on areas of pop culture that do not involve us.**

“Me either, but you couldn’t help but hear about this shit. Least of all since our writer was throwing a spectacular hissy fit over it.”

**Who’d they pick to play Batman?**

“Ben Affleck.”

**… that is about as bad as them picking Ben Stiller to play us.**

“Know who their second choice was? Josh Brolin.”

**I take it back. That would be like them casting Pee-Wee Herman to play us…**

“I personally would have voted for either Michael C. Hall or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to play the Bat.”

**… Joseph Gordon-Levitt in the Batsuit. Now there’s something to make your heart go pitter-patter.**

“We are so not adding to your bromance list!”

**…what?**

“You know that I could totally whoop Batman’s ass in a fight, right?”

**… you and what army?**

“Dude, I could so totally take Batman in a fight.”

**Yea, because you'd blow up the world in order to win…**

“But I’d take out Batman! And that’s the important part!”

**…and murder billions of other people in the process…**

“Necessary casualties.”

**So that’s what we’re calling the senseless slaughter of innocent women and children nowadays…**

“Name me one person in this world who is _completely_ innocent?”

**Me.**

“Dude, nobody is gonna buy that… not after they read about you wanting to lick chocolate off of Ryan Reynold’s stomach.”

**Abs. I said abs.**

“Same thing.”

**… so you say.**

“Whataya say that we end this and go smack Wolverine around some more in our game?”

**…dude, I love you.**

“I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, all! I wrote these two pieces a few years ago and I recently found them again on my external drive. They made me giggle so I decided to repost them over here. I'd apologize but I'm not really sorry heh 
> 
> If you find this piece hilarious, please kudo it! Thanks, all, take care!


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